Selfishness: "Sometimes, I just can't."

"Truth Leaving the Well" by Edouard Debat-Pousan. 1898.

 

 

Telling me to be unselfish? Try it yourself first.

I cannot begin to count the number of times I’ve beaten myself up about being selfish. About not wanting to do something because it wasn’t situationally advantageous to me. Well, that’s a horse that’s been beaten to death. It does not need to be pounded on no more.

You say sorry enough times and people start to believe you really are at fault. I know better now. Most of the times, I’m not. My help is always needed, and as time wore on, they stopped becoming requests. They turned into demands. Why do I still do it? My insides itch when I’m told the consequences of inaction. As I sit there and wait for something to happen, my conscience gets to me. Why wouldn’t you do your best to make sure someone else is doing okay? If they’re not okay, are they suffering? Am I at fault for their suffering? For the situation that ensues because I did not participate? You can argue that it’s indirect, but you cannot say that is the cause. It’s only a shame that I cannot be the cure.

As willing as I’d be to help out another human, I have a greater instinct. It’s self-preservation. My first thought is, “What will happen to me if I do this?” The result? Sometimes I say no. But what I should be focusing on is the following; how many more times so I put myself out there for someone else? Loads of times, really. Always, I do it unconditionally. So don’t blame me the next time I say no, because more than likely, I’ve already feel bad about it. I’m already promising myself that if not this time, I must be of use in the next. Just count me out this time, because sometimes, I just can’t.

Promiscuity: "Just to pass the time..."

Unknown painting

Scene 1: Girl dresses up for a date. Before heading off, she pulls out a photograph from a drawer, gives a sad smile and places it back in the drawer.

Scene 2: She heads out to dinner at a nice restaurant with a nice guy. He’s all smiles, talking about himself, making a lot of gestures. He’s so busy talking he doesn’t notice she keeps checking her phone. Though she does a lot of nodding and smiling, her expression is distracted. Camera does a close of her phone, where a text reads, “Come over tonight;)” She pauses and frowns. Then texts him back, “We’ll see.”

Scene 3: Nice guy drops her off at her place. She hugs him goodbye, waves and walks up the stairs to her place. As soon as she closes the door, she rushes to her room where she pulls out another outfit, this one comprising of sexy lingerie. She changes her make-up, puts on red lipstick and tousles her hair. She slides on a pair of platform pumps and a dress-length jacket. Checking her lipstick in the nearby reflection, she gets into her car and heads out.

Scene 4: She arrived at another guys’ house, where he opens the door to greet her while on the phone. There are other guests in the house, they all stare at her as she walks in and quickly heads upstairs to the bedroom. The guy gives no introductions and ignores the audience with a wave of his hand.

Scene 5: They head to his room, where she takes off her coat and hangs it on his chair. Close-up of the coat in the foreground, while the background slowly blurs out, seeing the silhouette of her wrapping her arms around him as they tease and kiss.

Scene 6: In the morning, girl wakes up, looks at her phone and moves off the bed. The guy is embracing her, trying to pull her back in bed, but she teasingly takes his hand away and starts putting her coat on. He walks her down the stairs, she puts on her shoes, gives him a quick hug and heads out for her car.

Scene 7: On the drive home, a close-up of her face, deep in thought as she sings softly to the song. On arm propped on the window and hand near mouth while the other hand is on the steering wheel.

Scene 8: She comes home, takes off her coat and shoes, and looks wistfully around at the empty apartment. She takes off her make-up, and changes into comfy home clothes. She pulls out the photograph from the drawer and slips into her covers. She lies there, looking at the photo until she receives a text.

Scene 9: Close-up of her phone. Nice guy texts: “Dinner was great. Let’s do it again sometime J.” Other guy texts: “Had fun. Do it again on Thursday?”

Scene 10: She looks over at the photograph. Close-up of the photograph. It’s a picture of her with another guy entirely, his arms around her shoulders, her arms around his waist, both smiling happily. She turns the picture around. On the back reads, “I love you. Until death do us part.” A tear slowly trickles down her face, and the scene fades away. 

Circumstances: Despite hitting rock bottom...

I found this photo on a friend's page, but sadly, don't know who took it. What a strong squirt! :)

Circumstances. Countless folks base their life off of the situation, and not how they dealt with it. This is where the excuses stem. It can be casual, serious, or even plain ridiculous. Either way, we have all used it as an excuse to explain why something didn’t occur in our lives.

          “I can’t make it to work, my car broke down.”

          “I can’t focus, my grandma just died.”

          “My dog ate my homework.”

          Sure, some excuses are more reasonable than others, what people judge you on is what you do after these obstacles have occurred. Did you stay holed up after that funeral and refused to function? Did you try to quickly fix that car? Did you pick yourself back up, or did you let that one experience become the same excuse for everything else in your life?

          “You know how that (fill in the blank) effected me. Did you really think I could (fill in the blank) after that?”

          That’s where you’re wrong, and a coward.

          Maybe it isn’t fair to say that other people have it worse; but here’s what I will ask. Do you have the means to make it happen? Are you mentally incapable of learning? Practicing? Trying? Is there something physically wrong with you that you can’t still do said (fill in the blank)? If so, then maybe you are screwed, but I’ve also met people who are physically (excuse the terminology) screwed, and they still managed to practice that sport, or learned to read. So excuse me as I have little sympathy.

In condolence, what I can say is that you have time. What is left of your life is opportunity; it’s a chance to work on that goal, search for that chance, and ultimately, get out of that rut. Don’t let your circumstances define you. If you have hit rock bottom, then think of it this way; the only way to go is back up. 

NOTE: Upset that I called "coward?" I originally wrote this message to myself- a reminder that I haven’t run out of options yet. There’s nothing wrong with being a coward at low points in your life, but if you make it a habit, it starts defining you.