He was just a dream...

I received a text a quarter past 9pm from my ex. He gave me the impression that he was in town, and asked if I still lived at the same place. Puzzled, I asked him if he meant my apartment, and if it really was him I was talking to (I had deleted his number from my phone for fear of drunk texting, so only his number appeared with the message). He had sent me two messages and I replied twice before he answered, "Sorry... misunderstanding, haha." Sorry should be a sincere word. A misunderstanding should be unintentional, and "haha" is insensitive to the person who was hurt. I didn't want to think that maybe it was another girl he was texting- I wasn't in any right to be jealous. But hurting, yeah, that pained like a bitch. Physically, I reacted with such high-hopes and fast heart-rate. Mentally, I was crushed. I told him he "sucked" with a light-hearted "lol" I didn't mean. Our relationship is like that: Him 'unintentionally' contacting me, deciding against it, and me trying to amend his mistakes because I didn't want him out of my life completely. This is not a poem dedicated to him. He doesn't deserve dedication from me anymore. But for the people who give more than they take, and take less than they deserve, this is for you.


I try not to forget good memories,
Even when the breakup shows no apology.

I now know...
You are the dream fantasy
That never will stay next to me.

The one wish I make at night
The only end with no sight.

Memories of you and me,
Isn't another gift to throw out easily.

I wanted to know if it was that hard to decide
If I'm one-night Ms Wrong or possible Ms Right.

While I wait, all too late I start to see-
You give me nothing that I need.

So, as there's nothing left to take...
Excuse me, while I slap myself awake.

Unconditional (Parent) Love

      
           One of the most important thing you can teach your child is about love. Despite its flaws, so long as they know that your love is unconditional, then you have succeeded a large part in parenting. I wish my parents had that talk with me: "No matter what you do, I will always love you." It's so precious now, because I really wish someone would tell me that it's okay to be wrong, and it's okay to fail. In fact, it would be so encouraging for them to help me find a way to keep trying, without making me feel guilty that I haven't been able to get back up. I'm not asking anything else of them, since they have given me all the resources I needed to come into this world. The things I have to acquire myself: confidence, success and happiness, now rely on me. It makes childhood so precious, but makes me feel like that part of life wasn't mine. Yes, I lived it, but I wasn't the one who cultivated it to take the next step- that was all my parents' work. It doesn't make the responsibility or mistakes any less on my part, but it does highlight the fact that their guidance has been the main factor to any of my success. Thank you parents, and I wish you knew that my love for you isn't just measured in what I do, but my good intentions as well.

This is a regular girl... (poem)

THIS IS A REGULAR GIRL...

That is me.

No matter what I try to hide

People can still see.

Make-up and wardrobe

Are just armor for different moods,

But personality and class

A girl should naturally exude.

I’m not tall- you might call me short-

But I hold my head high-

Heels are a last resort.

If you’re going to look at me,

Peer straight into my eyes

Because I take no heed in comments

That bring me down to size.

The first thing I’ll admit

Is that I have plenty of flaws

I can dress up to be pretty,

But I’m not a porcelain doll.

Nor am I a paper flower

To be molded as you please,

I’m not the first impression,

Nor the last one you’ll see.

I pride myself in changing,

Whether I wish to or not,

If your expectations are for a normal girl,

You’ll like me a lot. ;)

The Girl Chronicles: PMSing (Prose)

"Closed off from love, I didn't need the pain...

I keep bleeding, keep keep bleeding love..." 

- Leona Lewis "Bleeding Love"

Note: Bored and venting. In the very least, I'm trying to channel these frustrations into something productive, maybe even a little relatable? Hmm.

Being on my period. There is only one way to describe it: frustrating. The feeling that I'm not myself. Like having an off-day- magnified by tenfold. Being sick and stressed at the same time. The strongest doses of insecurities, lack of confidence, and unexplained anger. Having a virus of bad thoughts implanted into my mind, those viruses taking over cells left and right. Constant hungers, constant worries about getting fat over a suddenly monstrous appetite. However, once appeased, it lasts so momentarily that I wonder if I ate anything at all. The next time the hunger symptoms start again, I don’t just want it anymore, it becomes a need.

Males are the enemy. It’s a lose-lose situation. I want them to think I'm the effing-most-gorgeous-thing to walk the earth, but if they take too close at look, the attention backfires and I can only hate them for seeing those latest five zits that have sprouted within the last hour. Those prettier, thin, unsympathetic girls can go to hell. Maybe their lives are perfect, but right now, I don’t need another blow to my fragile ego. I don’t need someone else to make me feel uglier or pettier- no thanks, beyotch, I’m already there.

What is happening? Why is every personal topic a sensitive matter? Why can’t I just smile, nod, simply ignore it? Why must my favorite, fitted clothes mock me? Why must foundation irritate my skin? Why are other people so much more content, go about so calmly? My tear ducts run wildly out of control, moody dark eyeliner be damned.

Attention becomes deficit, efficiency? What is that anymore? Time doesn’t matter, because the uncomfortable feelings aren’t easing up, so why must I work harder?  I’m not procrastinating, I’m sick! I’m tired! I’m fully incapacitated by cramps! Bloating! Fatigue! Hunger! Draining. My body is being drained of blood- and there isn’t even a hot vampire to make it worthwhile. It's so far from romantic, and so close to a drug addiction.

Why, Mother Nature? Why are we chosen to carry this huge burden every month, and face the even more dire consequences of not receiving? A double-edged sword, a cursed repeat, a waste of time. You are cruel, bestowing it on half the population, and being biased about the rest. You are shooting the messenger, Mother Nature. I come with soft wants and romantic whimsies and you bring me nothing but pain and frustration. You give me the one male trait I don’t want- vehement, unruly aggression. I am unclean. I am brittle. Battered. Brassy. My hair loses its shine, and so does my personality. 

Things I Wish Guys Would Understand

Note: My apologies for jumping back and forth between point of views. As in all generalizations, not all guys are like this.

1. It's the character that counts. Guys tend to be more biased about looks; looking first at appearance, dating, then deciding to continue if they like the girl's personality. Girls notice appearance, but they are more captured by guys who do or say things that appeals to them. A good sense of humor and reliability are great traits.

2. It's the thought that counts. A gift is not about price or extravagance. It's about the significance it holds for the person it is being given to. A sincere letter is better than material items any day.

3. Say what you really mean, but say it nicely. There's nothing more inconsiderate than being blunt without purpose. I understand the situation where something is spoken out of spite, but an inconsiderate sentence in a normal context can be really scarring. Leave it to a girl to remember a stray negative comment forever, and worse, take it to heart.

4. A girl's form of attack may be indirect, elusive, and sometimes manipulative. If we are mad at you, we may not say it, but our actions will hint at the issue. If we repeatedly bring up something, it is really bothering us.

5. Don't say anything you don't mean. It's better to hold off on that "I love you," until you are really ready. Guys tend to be slower at voicing those emotions, but once said, it can't be taken back. A girl won't understand if a guy takes back his declaration of love because he was too afraid too afraid to tell how he really felt. It's one of the biggest emotional betrayals.

6. Why would guys check out girls in front of their significant other? Sure, girls look at other guys and might collectively gush with their girlfriends. Still, more often than not, they're not interested in getting with that other guy (a stranger). Girls tend to be more loyal once their feelings are attached. However, when guys check out another girl, it's as a sexual object- something interesting they're attracted to.

7. Girls will be immediately suspicious if you answer ambiguously or try to brush something off. Really, if it weren't a "big deal," then why would you have to lie about it? It may be annoying if a girl tries to bring up your past, but she's just testing you in more ways than one: what are your feelings for her, and do you still have any feelings for those girls in your past? They also want to gauge your reaction. We know that guys tend to remember their "firsts" with the most emotional attachment, so questions about first loves, kisses, sex, place of activity, etc. are extremely important.

8. It's nice to offer. If we sense you don't mean it, we will know not to accept, and be grateful that you asked. It means you considered our feelings despite your thoughts or plans. This includes exclusive invites or just hanging out with the guys. 

9. Do make a comment when we put extra effort into our outfit or looks. We're not just doing it for ourselves, you know. It'd be nice if the main audience member noticed as well.

10. Girls will be extra sensitive once a month. It's caused by hormones, but it can be greatly augmented by stressful surroundings and insensitivity. Be extra careful about what you say, and just lay low while the storm passes.

11. We tend to make requests indirectly instead of asking point blank. A suggestion like, "Do you wanna go to the fair?" means, "I wanna go to the fair with you," but more importantly, "I want you to want to go to the fair with me." Our system is complicated and confusing. Sorry.

12. Introducing a girl to other people (especially close friends or family members) is one of the most reassuring and flattering things a guy can do. It means we're important in your life, and and you plan to have us around long term. The opposite- not letting us meet anyone you know, means you don't want us deeply integrated in your life.

13. A guy tends to walk away with pleasure. A girl tends to walk away with feelings (even if she is the one to break it off). Just because a female breaks up first doesn't mean she doesn't care. If a girl is especially harsh, she's may be more insecure about your feelings for her. More often than not, she's trying to protect herself from further pain.

14. There's no such thing as "just friends." At least, not indefinitely. There's always a possibility to see that one best friend in a romantic light, and all it takes is a "moment." It can be the briefest of touches, or an instance of looking into the other person's eyes. Knowing this, girls are especially cautious of female best friends.

15. As jealous and overzealous as a girl can be, it's never without reason. The guy plays a large part in a girl's feelings of insecurity. Maybe he's not paying enough attention or is too lax about certain situations. Girls can be extremely territorial, even if they know the other girl is not interested, they are more concerned with the guy's reaction. Aside from a suspicious nature, girls tend to have an uncanny ability to detect unsolicited attraction. 

16. Don't give a girl reason to distrust you; if you lose her trust once, you will never gain it back. If it ever happens again, you'll be paying dearly for it. Really, she'll bite your neck off.

17. Don't brag about sex. It turns us off. Girls only want to know how many girls a guy has slept with to know what they're getting into, or if they should even bother. The more girls a guy has slept with, the grosser he seems. It means he cares more about sex than about the girls themselves. If she happens to interact with him, she doesn't need to be reminded of his "player" status- she knows exactly what she's lowering her standards to.

18. Being someone's boyfriend is not a joke. If you are unsure about commitment, just leave it at dating. Don't say more than you mean, and don't say any less. Be honest about your intentions, even if it's just for sex. More often than not, the girl may already know.

19. It's nice when a guy dresses up for his girl (in appropriate events). It means that you care about what we think, and that we deserve more than casual jeans and ripped t-shirts. Formal attire is one of the sexiest and manliest looks a guy can achieve. Suits and properly fitted clothing bring structure to any male form. Unlike guys, girls generally prefer nice clothing to nakedness.

20. We see attractiveness differently. What a guy might think as "sexy" may be very different from what a girl considers sexy. Guys tend to look at girls in terms of sexual attraction, as a whole package, while girls pick out details and look closely at individual traits. Guy: "She's hot." Girl: "Her eyes are lopsided and her lower lip is too big compared to her upper lip." Girls judge guys on what kind of girls they like. It's sad when a guy is only attracted to a girl in skimpy clothing.

21. It's nice if you volunteer to take care of us. We don't necessarily need it, but it's reassuring thought to have a guy stand in front of you when you're too afraid yourself. That's why Edward Cullen is so attractive to females- because he plays the role of protector as well as lover.

22. There's nothing more touching than a guy who's sincere. Even if we aren't romantically attracted, we will appreciate and remember your efforts.

23. A guy should never be "prettier" than his girlfriend. This will sprout feelings of insecurity and possibly jealousy from the girl. Also, it's not favorable for a guy to take longer taking care of his looks or dressing fancier than his girl. 

24. Girls go to the bathroom together because they want to talk in private, mainly about guys or other people present.

 To be continued...

Beyoutiful... (poem)

Plus-sized models protest at Fashion Week

Beyoutiful... (poem)

Oh bite me, pinch me, whatever you please.

Squeeze at my fat, call my legs cottage cheese.

My limbs too round, my belly not flat

My mom called me ‘beautiful,' whatcha think about that?

Selfishness: "Sometimes, I just can't."

"Truth Leaving the Well" by Edouard Debat-Pousan. 1898.

 

 

Telling me to be unselfish? Try it yourself first.

I cannot begin to count the number of times I’ve beaten myself up about being selfish. About not wanting to do something because it wasn’t situationally advantageous to me. Well, that’s a horse that’s been beaten to death. It does not need to be pounded on no more.

You say sorry enough times and people start to believe you really are at fault. I know better now. Most of the times, I’m not. My help is always needed, and as time wore on, they stopped becoming requests. They turned into demands. Why do I still do it? My insides itch when I’m told the consequences of inaction. As I sit there and wait for something to happen, my conscience gets to me. Why wouldn’t you do your best to make sure someone else is doing okay? If they’re not okay, are they suffering? Am I at fault for their suffering? For the situation that ensues because I did not participate? You can argue that it’s indirect, but you cannot say that is the cause. It’s only a shame that I cannot be the cure.

As willing as I’d be to help out another human, I have a greater instinct. It’s self-preservation. My first thought is, “What will happen to me if I do this?” The result? Sometimes I say no. But what I should be focusing on is the following; how many more times so I put myself out there for someone else? Loads of times, really. Always, I do it unconditionally. So don’t blame me the next time I say no, because more than likely, I’ve already feel bad about it. I’m already promising myself that if not this time, I must be of use in the next. Just count me out this time, because sometimes, I just can’t.